The Latest Valentines Gifts???

I am so terribly confused. And btw Pretty in Pink is 40 years old.

Valentines Day used to be a more simple affair. Candy, flowers, dinner. Maybe even jewelry. To be honest, I’ve never placed much importance on this day. I just know that if my husband ever comes home with a tacky heart-shaped pendant from Kay Jewelers, we’re going to have a serious discussion about his taste level. Every kiss begins with Tiffany, okay? (I joke. Maybe.)

Speaking of Valentines gifts, my Facebook feed recently featured some “curated” Valentines gift suggestions from Nordstrom. I expected tasteful jewelry, frilly lingerie, or perhaps some expensive perfume. What I got both frightened and confused me. Here is what “all the ladies are wanting for Valentines day” (???), in no particular order:

Gift #1:

So Nordstrom decides to lead off their “curated” Valentines gift selections with this. Any guesses? Old Annie wig that wasn’t quite curly enough for the job? A curled-up dog? Baby-sized Ewok costume? Nope. These are actually slippers, folks. Now I don’t know about you, but these don’t exactly scream “romantic” as much as they announce to the world you want to wear old lady wigs on your feet.

Gift #2:

This gift made me feel like I was on a couch at a psychologist, squinting at a Rorschach inkblot test. I had no idea what this was; was I out of the loop? Is there some sexy-time device I am supposed to be using nowadays? Well, it turns out I could put my fears to rest since this was a face massager, and a $175 one at that. (p.s. That shit most certainly does not work.)

Gift #3:

I am trying to keep this post PG-13, but my mind went immediately to the gutter on this one, so I’ll just keep it at that. It could also be a new type of light bulb? I don’t know what this is, but it may be another massage tool that looks kind of painful. (Pro tip: Don’t get your partner a massage tool. Take her to a spa to get an actual massage. Or give her one yourself.)

Gift #4:

Another odd choice. Some kind of slim thermos? A tool for girly maintenance work? Answer: These are hand weights. (Pro tip: Unless your partner asked for workout equipment specifically, the message behind this gift may come off poorly. Stick with chocolates.)

Gift #5

Lastly, we have this device. Spoiler alert, it’s another face massager/roller. I had no idea that women were so invested in massaging their faces. However, I do know enough that IT. DOESN’T. DO. ANYTHING. Save your money, I beg you.

To those who celebrate, Happy Valentines Day! I for one will be doing the most Gen X thing ever: an afternoon screening of the classic Pretty in Pink, in theaters for its 40th anniversary. (!!!!!) Fantastic soundtrack, Andrew McCarthy, high school drama, and a deliciously evil James Spader. No Ewok slippers required.