Pop Culture Police

You know those annoying people who like to correct grammar and spelling? I am that person. Well, maybe I won’t actually correct you out loud, but I sure as hell am thinking it. Let’s just say I am teetering dangerously close to “menopausal woman who just doesn’t care anymore” territory. You used the wrong form of there, their, or they’re? Nails on a chalkboard for me. Slaughtered the spelling of seemingly simple words? I am dumbfounded. And annoyed. (Perhaps the granddaddy of all spelling errors is when someone misspells my name and forgets the ‘e’ at the end. Those people who actually ask me about the ‘e’ have a special place in my heart.)

And as I’ve gotten older, there are just some situations I simply have no patience for anymore.

That’s right. I’m talking about people who incorrectly quote a pop culture reference.

As someone who prides herself on knowing every single line to Caddyshack, it gives me great pain whenever someone misquotes it. Ditto for song lyrics. There’s a reason why my trivia team calls me “Shaz-Annie” during the music round. I usually know my stuff. (Unless it’s new country. I don’t do country unless your name is Loretta or Kenny or Dolly.)

Unfortunately, since we spend a lot of time together – and because he is just so bad at it – my husband is most often the target of my pop culture corrections. But in my defense, some of his references are just are so far off, I simply can’t help myself. I mean, this is a man who only recently discovered that Paul Simon’s song is actually called “Call me Al” and not “Call me Out”. (Inexcusable! MTV played that video with Chevy Chase 24/7! What the hell was he doing?)

I’ll let you be the judge, as I have gone through the process of compiling his most cringe-worthy pop culture offenses. I give you his quotes, followed by the actual, correct quotes:

Bring It On (the original movie with Kirsten Dunst, which I will absolutely watch every time it’s broadcast on E! or BravoTV):

Husband quote: “That’s ok, that’s all right, you’re gonna wash my car tonight.”

Well I suppose he gets points for this one because it actually does rhyme, just like a real cheer. However, it’s definitely not the right line. If you recall, during the first home football game, the opposing team’s cheerleaders start to throw shade at the Rancho Cucamonga Toros cheerleaders. Their cheer even ends with a very unclassy move: The words “You suck” spelled out on the bottoms of their spanky pants. The Toros have a very quick-witted reply though, with this cheer:

That’s all right

That’s okay

You’re gonna pump our gas someday

I am not sure if my husband has actually seen Bring it On? I think he may have heard me use this line, but then didn’t remember it right. But in any case: wrong, wrong, wrong.

Caddyshack

Husband quote (in Judge Smails voice): “You want to come over and wash my boat?”

So wrong. We know the background, right? Judge Smails asks his caddy Danny Noonan what he’s doing on Saturday. Danny replies that he has no plans, to which Judge Smails tells him that he’s christening his new sleuth at the yacht club that day. Danny thinks he’s going to get an invite, but instead Smails says: “How’d you like to mow my lawn?”

Well Danny does eventually get that yacht club invite, and things go pretty well for him … for a bit. (Related note: my husband also asks me if I want to loofah his stretch marks. While he uses this Caddyshack line correctly, it does still irritate me since he has no stretch marks.)

Sixteen Candles:

Husband quote: “Smooth move, Clifford.”

I don’t even know if he knows who/what he is quoting. However, if I had to guess, he is quoting John Cusack, nerd friend of Anthony Michael Hall, aka The Geek aka Farmer Ted. Farmer Ted and his two nerdy friends have crashed the party at Jake Ryan’s house. As they start to settle in, Ted leans back onto a table, subsequently knocking over an impressively large beer can pyramid. Three extremely large men (one of whom is sporting some pretty sweet denim overalls) get up and start grunting, about to kick some serious nerd ass. Ted immediately deflects on his buddy Bryce (played by Cusack) and walks away. Bryce then uses the same tactic and turns to his last remaining helpless friend: “Real smooth, Cliff.”

And last and definitely LEAST:

Laverne and Shirley:

Husband quote: “Hello Lenny. Hello Squiggy”.

Now, this one truly makes no sense. Lenny and Squiggy were known for a lot of things, but their signature move was their epic entrance into a room, always with exceptional comedic timing. You know the drill: The door to Laverne and Shirley’s apartment flies open, and Squiggy calls out, “Hell-o! ” At no point in time does Squiggy say hello to himself. Or to Lenny. Messing with a classic like Laverne and Shirley is simply just criminal.

All of these offenses need to end immediately. However, who are we kidding? He’ll continue to poke the bear.