The age at which your body really starts to mess with you is 53.
I know this because I did a very unscientific study. And I’m 53. And honestly what in tarnation is happening lately?!!
Sure, I know my body (and my brain, for that matter) aren’t what they used to be. The aches and pains. The fatigue. The brain fog. But now things seem to have kicked up a notch, and it’s not cool. This would be much easier to handle if perhaps these new ailments were a bit more spread out, but they seem to be coming in rapid succession, as if they sat down and mapped out a project plan with key deliverables and everything. The main stakeholder? Me.
It all started when my tailbone started hurting for no reason. I didn’t fall or injure myself, at least not that I can remember … but there it was. This makes sitting for long periods, as well as adjusting my seat, quite painful. This was followed by waking up one day in debilitating back pain. Again, I just woke up that way. The day before I wasn’t doing anything strenuous; I know this because I was sitting at Lambeau Field, enjoying the Green Bay Packers destroy the Chicago Bears. All enjoyable. No strain.
But there I was, suddenly in agony any time I had to go from a seated position to a standing one. The only thing that gave me relief was standing or walking. Getting in and out of a vehicle was particularly brutal. For the first time in my life, I had multiple chiropractor visits, and my days became a series of alternating heat and ice packs.
I pretty much recovered after three weeks, but then I woke up on a Monday morning with floaters in my eyes. Now I’ve had floaters before, but these were different. These looked like wispy eyelashes, and they were also accompanied by intermittent flashes of light in my peripheral vision. When they didn’t go away the next day, I naturally consulted the internet so I could diagnose myself with the scariest thing possible. I was convinced I was about to have a detached retina.
My concerns weren’t completely exaggerated; when I called the ophthalmologist, they immediately got me a same-day appointment. That afternoon I sat in a waiting room full of eighty-somethings (I live in Southwest Florida, after all), before my name was finally called about 45 minutes late.
After a series of eye tests and scans, the doctor finally arrived and proclaimed that I have vitreous gel leakage in both eyes. This is due to – you guessed – “aging related conditions”. Apparently, they will eventually go away as my brain magically filters them out. However, in the meantime, to make sure that it doesn’t get worse and lead to something more serious, the doctor gave me a few orders:
First, no pickleball. Welp, that would be no problem at all, doctor. I am a tennis person, and I intend to stay that way for as long as physically possible. Despite their repeated attempts to recruit me, the pickleball mafia has not won. I was relieved to hear that tennis was okay because it was less jerky. (Both physically and figuratively? Bahahahaha!!! Missed opportunity to use that one with the doctor.)
Okay, what else?
No rollercoasters or things with big drops.
Um … pardon me?
I told him about my TWO upcoming trips to Walt Disney World, one of which I had already secured Lightning Lanes for.
Nope, he told me. No Guardians of the Galaxy. No Hollywood Tower of Terror. No Muppets Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster with the cute holiday overlay!!! (Insert gasp and grasping of the pearls here.)
I went on my trip and still had a fantastic time of course. Because everyone knows that the best part of Disney trips are the fun and bonding that you get with friends and family. But damnit, I still wanted to be hurled into outer space by a sarcastic intergalactic raccoon!
I even kept a good sense of humor about it, especially when visiting the Pirates of the Caribbean themed bar, The Beak and Barrel. Our waitress really got into her character and served up pure pirate vibes, so she asked us all to think of a pirate name. When she got to me, I proclaimed my pirate name to be “Annie O’Floaty Eye”. Granted this might have been a hybrid Irish pirate name, but nonetheless she seemed quite pleased with it and even brought it into conversation later. When I told her I would be waiting while my friend went on the roller coaster, she growled in her best pirate voice, “Ay, due to the ol’ floaty eye no doubt, eh?”
This week has brought a new condition/circumstance, but it’s a bit too lady bit centric to share on the interwebs, so I’m just leaving that alone. However, once again I’m looking at the universe and asking, “REALLY?”
But mostly I am thinking how much I relate to this Bridget Jones quote:
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
I am also incorporating a thorough stretching routine into my day.
p.s. I hope it goes without saying that this was for entertainment purposes only, as I know many people right now who are battling much more serious issues.
Below: Still smiling despite not getting to take a fast-paced LIMO ride with the Muppets. Perhaps that margarita at Tune-In Lounge helped?
